March 1, 2019

Processed with VSCO with p5 presetIn Feburary, I was asking God to give me something to write about for a blog and I knew it was gonna be about my mom. But I thought it was going to be a testimony. I knew there was going to be change in all of our lives but I didn’t think it was this. I thought I was gonna write about how much going to India changed my mom, my sister, and I. I thought that I was gonna write about how God kinda gave me the idea to pay for my mom and myself to go to India this year. I thought that I was paying for her so that she would be inspired to get out of her comfort zone. That she could have “breakthrough” with whatever she needed. That her, my sister, and I would have such a more bonded relationship because we went on a mission trip together. But that’s not what I am going to write about. The only part that I was right about was that I was going to write about the change in our lives.

I feel ready to write this blog now. I want to write about my mom.

I thought she was being lazy but maybe her brain tumor was making her tired. I thought she needed to pay more attention because she kept forgetting things but she had a brain tumor. I kept pushing her to read more and write more because that’s what she loved to do and she wasn’t doing it anymore. I was thinking maybe I just had to buy her new glasses but a side affect of the tumor she had was vision deteriortion. I was wondering why she was listening to the Word rather than reading. I thought she needed me to push her so she can breakthrough this imaginary wall i invisioned she was pushing against. But she was closer to God than I have ever been. She was blessed and grateful. She was content. I don’t think she wanted to believe for her healing(if she even knew there was a problem), I think she just wanted to go to be home with Jesus. She didn’t want to push through these trials on earth anymore.

It’s interesting how God talks to me. He tells me things that don’t make sense in my head at the time but months later I’ll be like ” oh… that’s what you meant.” For example, this must’ve been in November or so and I was asking God ” Why am I paying for my mom to go to India with us, I feel like she’s not too excited, I am struggling to come up with the money, I feel like I am going to be worried about her while we’re there” I had allllll these concerns. But the only thing I heard back was ” because this is your last year with her.” At the time I was like ” Get behind me satan, I rebuke that thought” but I was sobbing and  I just started praying for her so intensely because I thought maybe God was pushing me to fight for her life and if she didn’t go to India she wouldn’t heal from whatever was killing her. Little did I know, God was preparing me. Preparing me for what He knew was coming very soon.

It’s crazy because at the begining of this year my mom and I had this serious converstion about our relationship, about what she could do better as a mom and what I could do better as a daughter. We’ve never had a conversation like this before. During the conversation we talked about goals like what we wanted out of this year and my mom told me this, ” I asked God if this could be my last year of working.” I don’t really remember what I said but I do remember telling my sister and she was like ” does that mean shes gonna move in and Garrett and I will take care of her.” Then I was thinking or like somehow I would be making a lot more money than I currently am and maybe I could take care of her? We were scrambling thinking about every option available. But like how did she know this actually was going to be her last year working? Like that still blows my mind because I wish I asked what she was going to do instead but that is her faith. She doesn’t question God and how He will provide for her, she just knew He always would. ( not saying God took her life but saying that she knew everything would work out)

When we came back from India, I was kinda dissapointed that my mom was mostly just grateful to be back in the states. She didn’t have this fire that I wanted her to have but it was because her flame was never out. I wanted to know what she got out of it, what she felt, what she experienced. But after we got back from India she came in my room and said “Want to know what revelation I’ve had from India? I’m gonna tell you anyways. I have always been grateful for where I live. I have always been grateful for you and your sister and your brother. I have always been grateful for God and for everything He has blessed me with. But the one thing I dreaded was going to work at Vons. I only went because I had to. And yes it took me a trip across the world, but I am grateful that I get to go to Vons and work and be in the states. God was showing me how to be grateful for everything in my life, even the things I don’t like.” I didn’t say this to her but in my head I was like… really? I was like, God really that’s all the trip was for her? But that was just a week before she passed away. She left this earth content with everything in her life.

My sister and I would hassle her and say, why don’t you want to get married, why don’t you want to go back to school or try to do something different and she always said  “I am just waiting for Isabel to be 18. I am not concerned about anything else.” I was 8 months into being 18 when she passed.

She always just wanted to be a mom, she didn’t care about having this amazing career, she didn’t even care about herself enough. All that mattered to her was Jesus and her kids. She did what she wanted to do. Raise three kids. Watch them serve Jesus. She never wanted to get old. Even if she found out she had a brain tumor, she wouldn’t want to put everyone through the pain it would of caused. She must have known that something was wrong, she was not dumb. But even if she found out she had a tumor, she would not want to get treatments or surgery or risk forgetting us. She would hate that. It would be as if she was deteriorating before our eyes. That would hurt everyone so much more than her leaving earth with no suffering. It’s exremely difficult to be on this earth without her but my peace comes from knowing that she is with her savior. My last memories of her are seeing her on a missions trip in India. Seeing her serve God. Seeing her doing what we were created to do. Even when I found my mom’s body, she didn’t look like she suffered when she left. I found her in her room her knees on the floor and her top on the bed, in a praying position. When I walked in I literally thought she was praying. I’d like to think she was, maybe she knew there was a problem in her body and asked Jesus to take her home. Either way she is home now.  She got to raise all of us until we were adults, she didn’t have to take care of us anymore. I am happy she got to be a mom and she seriously was the best one ever. I know everyone says their mom is the best one ever but like in reality 100% my mom actually was. I believe she did everything that she wanted to do on this earth before she left.

I just want to thank again everyone who donated to my mom and I for the mission trip, you guys made it possible for her to spend those last moments with my sister and I. Also a big thank you to the people who helped and donated to my mom’s go fund me for the funeral stuff and all. I don’t know what we would have done without all those donations.

I’m grateful for whoever makes it until the end of my blogs. I love y’all. I always say I am going to write more and I think I actually will start now. I want to be more consistent. So stay tuned.

 

 

3 comments

  1. I love this. I love you – and Isabel, this is POWER. God blows my mind with how much he already knows. How so much is out of our control and inevitable but how he tries to cushion us for every blow. Just astounding how he speaks and how life moves. Keep writing. This is gold. And really blows my mind as Im sure it does others. ……”How will they hear if no one tells them?” ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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