Three weeks into 2019 I think it is time for me to reflect on 2018 in this blog. 2018 might have been my worst year spiritually, physically. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to act like my life is so horrible because my life is far from horrible. What I do want to do is look back on my disappointments and realizations from last year and explain what is different this year and why!
First thing I want to say was that 2018 was my loneliest year. Something I desired to do was get closer to God and get further from people who didn’t have that same goals but what I really did was distance myself from everyone and didn’t have a stronger relationship with God in the end. I ended up pushing people away, scared of being apart of the world but at the same time forgetting that I am supposed to be a light to the world. I was letting the world have power over me by being afraid of getting sucked into it. I was amazed but overwhelmed with how much knowledge I’ve retained about the word and about Jesus and what I wanted to do most was share it with other people. What stopped me was fear of being a hypocrite. I didn’t feel like I was doing enough so I thought that sharing would be hypocritical of me. It was a constant evil cycle in my head where I felt guilty and with that I ended up just slowly conforming to the world because I could never seem to live perfectly right. The conflict with slowly conforming to the world versus spending more time in the word was being desensitized to sin. I would care less about things and not want to be close with God because I was afraid that when I get close to Him again then I would mess up and disappoint Him. When I would try to live right, inevitably I would make mistakes and feel shame which drew me away from God. But I didn’t realize that God didn’t want me to run away when I made mistakes. His grace is sufficient for me, but I was thinking I needed to straighten up to become closer with him. Which is backwards, what I really should have done was get closer with Him and all other things would align accordingly. God takes shame and guilt. He does not want you to carry that but whenever you decide to lay it all down He is standing there with open arms and no condemnation.
” But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33
Side note: The reason why I’m going into honest detail of what I’ve been feeling and struggling with is because I don’t want to pretend like life is all fun and easy-going which is mostly what social media portrays. My heart is to share my struggles and my mistakes and how I’m overcoming, even though I am not perfect and don’t know the answers to everything. All I do know is what I have experienced.
Since I was distancing myself from people and from God, I found myself really for the first time getting to know who I was and learning that I didn’t like her that much. It was weird for me mostly because I’ve always walked with such confidence in myself. I had to kinda examine who I was and my life and realized a few things. I took for granted that I didn’t have to put much effort into things like in highschool because it was so simple or at my first job because it required minimal effort and I didn’t have to work much on relationships because of how “easy” they came to me. What I didn’t know was that college is different from highschool(more responsibility, which I lacked), big girl jobs that you actually want to keep require uncomfortable growth and effort, and relationships that are genuine require consistency and effort as well. I was privileged in a way where previously many things came easy to me and I came to figure out that when working hard and consistently were necessary, I didn’t know how to be strong. When life was hitting in a way I’ve never experienced, I was stunned like my whole world wasn’t what I thought it was. That sounds dramatic but it is really how I felt. I felt like I never had to completely rely on God for anything specific. I had everything I thought I needed and since everything always turned out good for me I didn’t realize that I haven’t ever given everything up to Him. I relied more on the fact that usually everything goes smoothly in my life.
Here I am thinking the world revolved around me and thinking I had all this knowledge when really I was just prideful. I had this pride that I was blinded to. Pride disguised in confidence and when I started gaining weight and struggling with my identity I couldn’t fake confidence anymore because I had about none. I hadn’t been placing my identity in Christ but in reality I was placing my identity in things I did, people I dated, stuff that I knew about Jesus. When my life wasn’t “interesting” to the world anymore, I didn’t know any other way to live. I knew that I wanted to live completely and fully for Jesus but I struggled with it. Everyone struggles and I know that but the hard thing was that I felt as if people expected so much of me and if I admitted how much I’ve been failing that I’d somehow be a disappointment or something. I would go to church and bible college and youth group but while I was trying to apply what I’ve been learning I was still trying to fit into the world. I wanted to somehow do both but water and oil don’t mix. But being in denial about struggling was easier than facing problems. Denial is easier until you realize you have to live with yourself and things that you choose now, will affect the future. I question myself saying “who do you want to be?” and honestly when I see my future I imagine a thriving woman of God but if I desired that life then I needed to make a change. A whole life change.
Ephesians 2:10 ” We have become His poetry, a recreated people who will fulfill the destiny He has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it!”
I’m learning that a whole life change doesn’t take a day or a week but a lifetime. I’m choosing a life path with choosing Jesus and I’m still learning that bad days don’t mean you are on the wrong path. Struggles don’t mean you’re on the wrong path. Mistakes don’t mean you’re on the wrong path. One thing I recently learned from my pastor is to focus on the promises rather than the problems. I’m hoping I can help people who have felt the same way I have. My only desire for sharing the things I do is because if no one talks about struggles, then christians think other christians are just perfect or pretend to be perfect. I’m not perfect and never will be but I am grateful for the life I’ve been given and grateful that I can learn for things I’ve been through.