Life?

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Still not 100% sure how I am going to live not being 20 minutes from the ocean

Update on my life for people who don’t know. I have decided to move to Arizona at the end of the summer. My dad and little sisters recently moved there in March and moving there seems like the right decison for this season of my life. A temporary thing. I am looking at it as a fresh start for me. I going to be attending school while I’m there, whether it is just to learn more in classes I enjoy or to actually finish getting my degree. Either way I know school is where I want to be at this point in my life. I’m planning on getting a job while I’m there, hopefully another dental assisting job but depends on if there is a good office nearby and blah blah. Anyways I’ll be working but the whole reason I am leaving is to give myself the oppurtunity to honestly figure out what I truly want in life. I’ve lived in San Diego my whole life and after my mom and everything I am in desperate need of a change. I knew my dad was moving a while before my mom passed and I thought that I may go then. But one reason why I decided not to go was because I didn’t want to leave my mom. Now I feel like there is nothing really keeping me here. Don’t get me wrong I love my church and my people here. There’s just something in me that is calling for change. Getting out of my comfort zone which frankly is San Diego. I’m grateful that I have the oppurtunity to move even if it is only for a year or so. I decided to move forward in my life, moving forward from pain and moving forward from everything in my past that was holding me back. I truly feel content and peaceful with this decision.

This blog is slightly random. I kinda just wanted to write about my move but I just also wanna add a little of my thoughts on another thing I guess:

Ok so honestly I haven’t known true pain or struggle until my mom went onto heaven. I don’t want to talk about the pain or struggle because I am already about to cry while writing this sentence lol BUT this is real life. I think I was ignorant to this type of pain I have been feeling because I’ve never experienced it previously. But now I feel like I have this new empathy for people. Example: Around two weeks or so after my mom moved up to heaven there was these three young guys walking around about a block from my house holding signs. The signs said ” please help us bury our mother” and had a picture of them and their mom. It was heart breaking to me of course because my mom just passed as well but also I had this kind of epiphany. I was spending pretty much all my days feeling horrible for myself, truly not wanting to live, and just thinking that everything in life was just not fair. ( which is just so contrary to my normal thinking process.) Then seeing those young guys there everyday for a week straight made me think like wow other people are feeling this pain.. other people have to go through these types of things everyday. I just felt like the amount of sorrow that was surrounding me and so many people I know because of my mom leaving was so much, but realizing that death is constantly happening was actually a revelation for me( as dumb as that sounds?) I didn’t awknowlege death often. I felt sad for people who had people close to them die but I never knew the feeling. I’ve never had anyone close to me pass before this. Other people go through what I am going through but obviously in some cases, way worse.

We had so many people donate and cover all the funeral expenses, for every technical thing that was dealt with we had the money to provide. Not to mention we had a family friend who owned a mortuary so on top of people donating for the expenses, we had a discount and someone to personally walk us through everything. Someone that knew my mom. We have our church who supported us through everything whether it was just bringing us food for dinner or just letting us sit with them and cry. We have family. But most importantly we have Jesus. We have hope. And we have peace that our mom is in heaven. Something that I came to realize is that even through my unfortunate circumstances… I am still so extremely blessed. But also grateful. Everyday I mourn the loss of my mom. But I know she wouldn’t want me to stay a mess. I am refusing to sink into sorrow. I have decided, despite all the unfairness and hurt that I will look towards the amazing things in life like Jesus. I really really really am just grateful that I can breathe and wake up every morning. My priorities aren’t always straight and sometimes my mind is completely on the wrong things but it is hard to be ungrateful when my face is turned to Jesus. That doesn’t mean my face is always turned to Jesus. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I don’t want to do anything. Doesn’t mean I am always happy.

It does mean that I have hope and joy.

This is what those words mean to me:

Hope: knowing God has promised me such amazing things and knowing He will not ever go back on His word.

Joy: inner peace during the storms or anything going on in life.

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

He is the answer to all my confusion and seriously everyday I am grateful that I’ve know Him especially at such a young age. Here is some scriptures I like to hold on to:

” I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

” We have become his poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny he had given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus the anointed one. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it!” Ephesians 2:10

” I assure you and solemnly say to you, anyone who believes in me as savior will also do the things I do; and he will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, so that the Father my be glorified and celebrated in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name I will do it.” John 14:12-14

 

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