I felt inspired to write today because my life has felt peaceful recently. I’m feeling very grateful for where I am in life, who I am, and I have no doubt of a joyful future. There’s so many little things I could complain or play victim about, I mean I have been through a hell of a lot. On the other hand, I feel strong and I wouldn’t be me without the hard things I’ve endured.

I have happy happy news… I’m getting married next week! I will have the honor of marrying the best man I have ever met in my life. With him, I have never felt a drop of doubt. He makes me feel so adored and respected, he cherishes me and I know he will protect me for the rest of our lives. He makes me want to be the best version of myself and even when I’m the worst version of myself, there’s still no doubt for the love he has for me. We have such passion together and for each other, we can talk and bounce off each other for hours. We’ll dance and sing and laugh and for the first time in my life I feel like I’ve met my soulmate. I could gush about how funny and handsome and smart he is all day, BUT point being I feel so incredibly lucky to be marrying such a wonderful person.

We’re getting married in the courthouse and all of his family is coming, and of course my sister. There’s just the lingering sadness, my mom won’t be there. I miss her so so much. Every happy moment comes with the sad one of remembering she isn’t here anymore. My life is moving so fast, I’m 26 now and it has been 7 years since she’s been gone. I feel sad moving on without her and I wish I had her in these big, special moments of my life. The fact that she doesn’t get to know Hudson hurts me so much. The fact that I’m integrating into his family and they don’t have a clue of what my mom was like, hurts so much. I know that every milestone in my life is going to carry sadness with it and that part doesn’t get easier. So as the days lead up to my wedding I’m honoring her in the way I know, which is writing.

Her memory will live on within me until my last day on this earth. Hudson and I were on a walk this morning and we talked about her philosophy and the forgiving, gracious person she was. She never burdened me with the horrible trauma she went through, she showed me how she lived in faith and trust in god. She loved everyone with this wholesome love, never judging or bringing people down. She always made you feel important when she was talking to you and she was the type of person who didn’t let someone be on the sidelines. She would light up the room with her beautiful smile and joy and I still remember how she used to laugh and sing so loud. I miss her presence in my life. She helped me love myself because of the unconditional love she had for me. No matter what I said or how I looked or what I did, I knew she would love me no matter what.

Hudson is the only other person that I’ve met who has loved me like my mom did. A love that is unwavering and solid. A love that is outspoken and shown with actions and affection and adoration. When I knew he loved me it felt so safe, and familiar. When I talk negatively about myself, his response is the same as my mom’s was. When we argue I know the love and care is still present, just like with my mom. I know she would be happy for me and proud of this strong person I’ve become over the years. Who I am is credited to her. I want to be the example of love she was to me and share that with others. When people compliment my smile or my laugh or my heart, I think of her and how I stole those things from her.