Choosing Wisely

 

 

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recent pic of me

 

I have had many changes in my life since being in Arizona. There are a lot of lessons I’ve learned and experiences that I have grown from. The one big take away that has been on my mind though is choosing friends wisely. Choose the people you tell your personal life to wisely. Choose all your company wisely. I was not doing this for the longest time and it affected me… like a lot. I have always been very open and vulnerable with anyone that would listen. I may have been seeking comfort or approval, maybe even wanted a way for people to like me. Point being, I’ve always been that way.

Around a year and a half ago, I started having regrets… like bad ones. Not because I did something wrong or was a bad person, but because I didn’t trust my intuition. I didn’t trust it because I became close with people that everyone loved, the people that others spoke highly about. The people who matched my level of bubbly, that’s where I went wrong. I’ve learned a couple of things about “friends” and some things about myself as well.

One thing I learned is that I am too much for some people. If you’ve ever felt that, it’s okay! When I started to feel like I was too much, that was when I started to set more boundaries. I started to be less open with people, while still making an effort to be the same amount of caring and warm. I’ve had one person tell me that they feel like they’re backseat when I’m around because I’m the “star of the show” and I’ve had another person tell me that being around me makes them insecure because they aren’t like me. The second person also told me that they envy the fact that I can be myself. I remember these words so well because when they were told to me I was devastated. I was insecure about it. These are two people I became very close with and to know your closest friends could feel that way was hard.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to feel the same way I do. If I love being around them, that doesn’t automatically mean that they love being around me. AND vice versa! (and that is okay)

Another thing I’ve learned is that you can’t be close with people who do not respect you and your boundaries. As a person who has dealt with depression, it is hard to be a friend sometimes. It truly is hard and that is a thing I’ve always struggled with. I struggled with showing up to plans, for as long as I could schedule my own plans. I’ve struggled with responding fast and showing up to events and all of that stuff. Sometimes it is really hard to go out to do anything when you are depressed. I’ve explained this to friends and if you’ve known me for a while, we’ve talked about this topic. But let me just say, if a friend says they don’t want to hangout because they’re not in a good head space… that is okay. If a friend doesn’t want to talk about their problems at that time, that is okay. I will 100% understand if a person has that reasoning to not do something, because #1 it has nothing to do with me or something I’ve done, #2 people need grace and understanding especially if they are not mentally in a good place. We’re all human and no one is always perfectly okay. Back to my point, I can’t be close to a person who doesn’t hold that same respect. We are adults, with adult lives, adult problems, and there should be a mutual respect for each other.

Going off of that, another mutual mindset we should all have as adults is that if you don’t want to be friends with someone then you do not have to. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries and it continued to happen after you’ve had conversations about it, then you do not have to stay friends. Of course, going along with that you can always end a friendship in a healthy way. But if they are angry about your decision, then let it be. You cannot change someone else’s perspective if they are only open to their own. Also a big point that I’ve focused on is that you do not owe anyone. If a person is making you feel guilty about something that isn’t in your control, don’t take that burden. It is not on you.

You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

I feel like I am preaching to myself, but that’s because this resonates with me. I have experienced friendships with a lot of different types of people these past two years and have also met some very interesting people, it gives you a different perspective.

I’m still learning that not everyone will have the same thought processes as me. Not everyone will understand or “approve” of me. But on the real, caring about stuff like that, takes too much energy. This opinion may be controversial, but it is immature to be upset about what people think about you or who wants to be your friend. I learned that if you are secure in yourself and know who you are then you don’t care what people think about you. Our job is to take care of ourselves and be a genuine person. If someone is upset with you because of that, it is not your place to correct them. Let it be!

 

2 comments

  1. We’re not responsible for anyone else’s thoughts indeed. Reminds me of Stoicism, where we should control only what we can, and others’ thoughts don’t fall in that realm. Wishing you all the best!

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  2. it’s like i just read my 5 month’s self. i changed a lot in this 5 months, sometimes i just couldn’t recognize myself. self love is not selfish, if someone says that then that’s their problem. now i’m a person who doesn’t care if she have friends or not, if someone likes her or not. being in a friendship which makes you unworthy, lonely, helpless. then you better wait for the right one to come …

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