Growing Up

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a pic of me that i like

I feel myself growing older, it isn’t so much of a physical thing or even a wisdom thing. It is more like I’ve become comfortable in ways I wasn’t before. The main thing is I am not as social and don’t have as many friends. I think back on who I was before and I always wanted to be the star of the show/entertain everyone and I use to thrive off of being around others. Come to realize, that is exhuasting.

What started this mindset was having friends that act like everything is a competition. Not in the blantently obvious toxic way, but in a more sutble sly way. Maybe in highschool that stuff made more sense to me since everyone is trying to figure out who they are. I’ve realized that I know who I am and I love who I am. I don’t feel the need to compare, especially to my friends. I love my friends for different reasons. I love when my friends suceed and I love when they show off their talents. I don’t get jealous of friends. I decided to not surround myself with those kinds of people, but that is hard to do. I use to be known for being the most social person. Come to find out, I don’t really care what I am known for. No one really knows the true me, except a handful of people on this earth. That kindof sounds like an exageration, but it isn’t. People can know things about me, but there is so much depth to a person. I’ve decided to hold back sharing everything with everyone because people don’t need to know personal details unless they care about me as a person. 

I have become a different person in less than a year and not many people know that. Most people don’t know that because a thing I am tired of doing, is explaining myself. I use to always feel the need to explain my beliefs and explain what I’m doing and why and blah blah. But I don’t want to share with everyone anymore. At first this seemed like trust issues and yes that is apart of it. I would say mostly it is protecting myself and my heart. I’m realizing that there are so many people in the world and I am just one of those people. I don’t need everyone to know who I am, I just want to know who I am and the people who choose to be close to me will know by default.

It seemed contradicting to me that I still felt the need to write a blog about myself, saying that I don’t care about people’s opinions… and to that I realized I just love to write. My goal of writing is to expressmyself in the way I do best and to help people. I hope people on their journey can see my journey and get something good out of it. That’s what has never changed about me. I still love people, I think people in general are so important. So it’s weird that I don’t want to be around them as much, but I think it is because I don’t want to taint that mindset. I’ve felt abused by different people in different ways throughout my life and it made me want to give up on the goodness in people’s hearts. Frankly, not everyone is good and not everyone is bad. I’ve found a happy medium where I don’t trust that everyone has pure intentions, but I also don’t assume everyone is going to hurt me. This was a hard place for me to get to. In order to get here I got hurt by seeing the best in everyone and overlooking the bad. I turned more cold and started thinking everyone only cared about themselves. But finally, here I am realizing that if I can care about people and have pure intentions there are people like that too. I’ve learned because of my experiences and I didn’t just let life and people beat me down. 

I was scared to write because of how I’vechanged and I look back on blogs I’ve written and journal entries and I’ve become different. I feel different in my skin. Recently, I feel like everything is new and I am turning a new leaf. I feel good and I think that is what matters. This is my personal blog and it represents my life. I don’t want to be afraid to show my journey because when I started writing my blogs, my intention was total transparency. I hope that whoever reads this supports me on my journey through life. Life is rough and random at times, I hope that my writing makes people feel normal about their experiences.

I always say this, but I really want to write on here more. I’ve overome my fear to write this blog and I have a lot on my mind to write about so stay tuned for now.

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