It’s weird and kinda dumb because I wrote that entire blog explaining how 2018 was my worst year. And honestly, it was my worst year until 2019 happened. And I don’t think there will be a harder year. That could be ignorant of me to say but losing my mom was the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. It made me different. It made me stronger. Like crazy stronger. I went back and read my reflection blog where I was talking about 2018 and I wrote that I didn’t know how to be strong and really I didn’t. Life was always easy for me. But this year was such a life altering year for me. I’ve never cried so much, but on the other hand I’ve never prayed so much. I never relied on the Lord so much. Relying on the Lord was how I got my strength this year and with that I can confidently say that this year I became strong. I wasn’t happy a whole lot this year, but even in my darkest, saddest moments I felt the joy of the Lord. I would have not survived this year without Jesus. I am overwhelmingly grateful. Out of everything, my most important lesson that I learned and applied was how to fully rely on God. I know. I should’ve relied on Him fully when I got saved years ago, or maybe when I was baptized, or maybe when I became spirit filled but honestly I thought that I was relying on the Lord enough. Don’t get me wrong I relied on Him in some ways for sure, but it wasn’t a daily effort for me.. it was laziness on my part. I was relying on myself, my parents, siblings, job stability, because that is easier than relying on God. But this year was different. I couldn’t rely on anyone. It felt like everyone was gone, no one cared, and if they did care I felt like they didn’t understand. I found so much comfort in God this year. He was there every. single. second. I never felt like He left , or didn’t care, or didn’t understand. He knows me better than I know myself. Every overwhelming moment. Every unbearable memory. Every terrible thought. Boom supernatural peace. Supernatural is the only way to explain God’s peace and comfort. I cannot explain how strong His presence was in my life this year. When I typed that out I just thought of Matthew 5:4.
I felt so comforted because God is always true to His Word.
” Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Honestly, even though 2019 was my worst year I am more grateful than I have ever been. I am stronger than I’ve ever been. I miss my mom more than anything but I know she would be so proud to see how I am thriving and walking with Jesus. Also I know she is the happiest she has ever been and I’ll see her again one day. I am grateful for my move to Arizona, it might’ve been the best big decision I’ve ever made(sounds dramatic but I feel that way.) I know that I am meant to be here. I have so much hope for the future. Today at church there was a word and what I received from it was that this year has prepared me for what God has in my near future. I been knew that God has a plan for me. But maybe if I didn’t go through all the bad things I’ve been through this year I wouldn’t be prepared for what the King has in store. I’m grateful for the relationships I have, the relationships I’ve cut off, the healings that have happened. I see God’s hands so obviously in my life. I feel His presence so tangibly in my life. I am prophesying over my life that the best is yet to come, I am constantly being prepared for God’s plan, and as long as He is first in my life I will fulfill His promises and plans on Earth for me. This will be such an amazing year, I feel it and I am ready for it. I am going on and I may sound basic or maybe people think I sound fake but I cannot fake this joy I have in my life. I can’t fake my gratefulness. I just want to be an example to people, I want my life to be a testimony of God’s faithfulness. No matter what you go through it is not bigger than the God that created you.
OK side note: I am making realistic blog goals for this year lol. I am going to write a blog once a month, I am going to strive for the 1st of each month. I just have to take more time out of my weeks to sit down and brainstorm. But yeah I love writing and once a month is a realistic goal for me hehe. Love y’all who read these till the end! Stay tuned! ❤