I haven‘t posted a blog in a long time, for a multitude of reasons. It wasn’t because I stopped writing and it wasn’t because I didn’t care about this blog anymore. All of the “reasons” why I haven’t posted boil down to one big thing…fear. I was fearful of what people would think. Two years of not posting, two years of holding myself back because of my fear of rejection and judgment.

The hardest thing for me is the fact that I don’t have the faith I did when I started this blog. I mean realistically, I don’t have the same faith that I had in the last blog I wrote. My perspective on life has changed so drastically and all while that has been happening, I have been ashamed.

The one thing that was constant and true in my life was God. I had never struggled with that truth. My deconstruction of Christianity was very sutble.  I remember my first thought of doubt. I was going to bed alone and out of no where I thought, “Why would Jesus even die on the cross? How could that even happen?” At the conception of that thought, my body was struck with fear followed by crying, then praying. After that, I knew I needed to do something, as in read my bible more and pray and talk to people with faith. That was exactly what I did. All of these questions of doubt came like a flood in my brain, and all of my regular answers to these questions were not cutting it. I was asking questions and getting answers that left me more unsatisfied. I thought to myself, “Well, man does not know everything. I need help from God.” Reading the bible felt so dull to me. Reading scriptures that meant everything, suddenly didn’t touch my heart. During this whole time, I’m a complete mess. I had breakdowns often, begging God to help me, give me a sign, send someone to help, anything! I was so distraught. It was like I was losing another parent, someone I called Father God for my entire life. I didn’t tell anyone how serious this felt except my sister, I remember her telling me that if I care enough to cry to her that I am probably okay with God. In my heart I knew that I was hanging off the edge, of course I seemed to care still… but it was because I was afraid of what was ahead of me. I wanted to stay a believer, I wanted to have God, I wanted to have community, but I knew I couldn’t pretend. I was still going to church, I enjoyed the new place that I found. Even though I liked it, I knew I didn’t believe anymore. It took me a long time to come to terms with this and it is still difficult to navigate some days. With all that being said, this is where I am. This is my personal story. I am not ashamed of it.

On top of that, I’ve had trouble talking openly about my relationship. People who have only known me as a christian, have shown concern because my boyfriend isn’t saved. I haven’t been able to share that he has shown me true love. When we first started dating, I let him know that if he wasn’t interested in God then he cannot be interested in me. I told him that God is a huge part of who I am and if he doesn’t love God, there is no way he could love me fully. I felt good after that conversation and he let me know that he can’t promise anything except that he will try. We went to church together every week for months, we talked about God. As I slowly wanted to stop going, I didn’t say anything. I stopped setting my Sunday alarm and he would ask me every Sunday if I wanted to go. After a while, he stopped asking because my answer was “no” everytime.

The love my boyfriend has shown me over the years has saved me from a really dark place. I have never been more joyful and content in life, but it has been hard to share that with all of my christian friends and family. I have to remind myself over and over again, this is my story.

So here I am, putting my pride aside and doing something that I have always had a passion for. Writing. I started this blog with full transparecy and lost that part of me for a while. Being open and honest is something I admire in others and for some reason I forgot to do it myself. I am learning who I am over again and writing along this jouney helps me immensley. A big thank you to the people in my life who will always support me no matter what, I love you.